The Hard Questions

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As I was sitting here reading my bible I had the sudden urge to share my thoughts. Now this isn’t going to be a post about conviction or why you need to repent; this post is just about a question that I have been ignoring for the past few weeks. The journey I’ve taken up until this point may include some biblical perspectives but this isn’t going to be my main focus.

I want to talk about cause and effect.
The reasons why we do what we do.

Now I could apply this to any part of my life but right now I want to focus on my most current dilemma.

This blog?

Yes, this beautiful creative outlet that I have made for myself has already started turning me into a giant green-eyed monster. If you read my first post I talked about wanting to connect with people on a deeper level; basically write about things that mattered. All I’ve managed to do (aside from brief glimpses of my true feelings) is share things that I thought people would be most likely to look at. Not to say I don’t enjoy writing those things but I don’t feel like I have allowed myself to really open up on here. So here I am, apologizing, for letting you guys down. I’ve allowed my fear (again) to keep me from being as transparent as I told you all I would be.

Now, this isn’t an apology post where I’m hoping people will say all those filler things like, “Don’t think that! We love your posts.” or ” You write so good. You just need more time to develop”. This post is about a question I keep asking myself and avoid the answers because they seem to come at me in an overwhelming, trying-to-drink-a-river type flood. Usually when that happens, after I have a breakdown, the only way to organize my thoughts is to write.

So, here it goes, the question. The one that I don’t like. The embarrassing one. The one that puts me in the category of ‘follow chaser’ and ‘like obsessor’. The one I am still currently stalling for because I know once I write it I won’t let myself erase it…

Why am I writing this blog?

You might be thinking to yourself, “Didn’t she already tell us, like 5 times?” I may told you what I wanted this blog to be and what I hoped it would help me become but since I started writing my heart has been in the wrong place. Let’s do a little activity. This may help me explain what I am trying to say better than just typing it out. I’m going to make a cause and effect chart to show you what I mean.

Cause                                                                                          Effect

  • This blog has a Stats feature                                                    I have started obsessive over my views
  • I made a calendar because that was recommended            I have started stressing over deadlines
    for blogging beginners                                                              and now have writing anxiety
  • I linked my blog onto Instagram and Facebook                 After the first day there has been little
    response
  • I’ve tried to get people to interact with my post                  Not many people want to share (for
    always ending with questions                                                  those of you that do, thank you)

Now if you read these and think, “Hm, these are all valid thoughts”, or, “Wow, she must really care about social media;how superficial.”; then you understand half of it. That is exactly what is starting to happen and it is the total opposite of what I want out of this blog.

Basically taking this year off to go to Brazil and now living back at home, was supposed to be a year of reflection. I wanted to do some soul searching because I had become increasingly unsatisfied with the way my life was going. I was working in a dead-end job, still no idea of a career (read my last Wine-O-Wednesday post), and slowly losing all of my meaningful relationships; which for me is a huge deal. [I recently read The 5 Languages of Love, highly recommend it, and found mine to be quality time.]

Now moving on to the other half of the problem.
I am becoming superficial and obsessing over social media exposure. I’m allowing my need for validation via other people’s approval to fuel my desires for this blog. Many people decide to ‘take a break’ from certain social media sites, often Facebook, when this happens.I have done this before and although it helped I found that when I hopped back into that world it was still there. I found that ‘taking a break’ was my way of running away from my problems and that shouldn’t be how we handle difficult things. If you want to grow and become a stronger person you need to take a good look at the cause and effect and then fix the problem; redirect your thoughts, or find that you really can’t be on social media because it has become a trigger for you. That is where this whole post comes in.

 With this being the year to really work on myself, I’ve started to get into the habit of looking inward at why I am doing things, good and bad, especially when I start to question them. The light at the end of the tunnel here is that I see it and I am addressing it. Instead of going and doing all the things on my list today I am choosing to sit here and write about it but I know that this is what makes me feel better. This is the way I can best deal with the things that clog my mind. It gives me some space in my brain; that is currently clouded with so many thoughts I can’t think.  I’ve already had some clarifying realizations in writing this, so that to me, says that this works.

God tells us to do all things for his good (Colossians 3:17). I was writing for the status it could bring me. I had forgotten that golden rule. He didn’t put this desire to write in my heart just so I could have the ‘cool’ lable of, “oh she’s a blogger” (note sarcasm); he put it there so I could reach out to others, to share my journey with all of you. This is what it should be about. One of my favorite quotes is,

We’re all just walking each other home.
-Ram Dass

We are all on the journey together, whether you believe you are walking towards those pearly gates or just waiting until your 6 feet under being eaten by worms, we all go through this life. So why not lift each other up, forgive, love, stop living in fear, and stop living for all the superficial things that are constantly thrown at us. Why not live for the deeper connections and breathless moments that life has to offer?

I was afraid of being open and sounding pathetic or attention-seeking. Now I’m not afraid anymore. I’m still going to occasionally worry if there doesn’t seem to be much response to the things I say but even if only one person reads this, that is more than I can honestly ask for. I can’t force anyone to share their stories with me all I can do is hope that what I have to say is a light for someone else, to show them that being open and vulnerable is, more often than not, met with acceptance. If it isn’t, than you just need to focus and feel good about sticking to your truth and your journey.

Thank you for taking the time to read my truth and realizations of this morning. I feel so much better getting all of this out of my mind and onto paper here. I promise to do my best to be real with you all and start writing about the things that to me, do matter. There may still be some filler on here, but that is all just for fun. Hope you all have an amazing Monday!

Hugs & Kittens,

Sammi

*Side Note: I’m still going to be linking these to my Facebook and Instagram occasionally because unless you’re already apart of the blogging world how would you know if I said anything new, duh. 🙂

    

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